the author...

My name is Bill. I’m not a professionally trained writer, it’s just something I love to do. I’ve taken one creative writing class. My only professionally published work is a co-authored chapter in a legal textbook.  Friends often tell me I am a talented. I almost believe it, but like most writers, I always feel it could be better.  The more I practice, the better I become. Words mean things. I try choose them carefully, though I often use too many of them and I have to consistently check myself on overuse of the word “that.” 

I am from originally from New York and one day not so long ago, I found myself in Boulder, Colorado on the floor of a friend’s apartment with my head in his lap sobbing.  I had lost my way and was left in the anguish of no longer knowing who I was.  I couldn’t quite stand to be with myself and I had grown weary of being victim to my own thoughts and feelings, yet I could not change or quiet them.  I was repulsed by the core beliefs I held of myself, most of which related to being unworthy and small.

I asked my friend for help.

To date, much of what I have written here is descriptive of the unfolding that has happened since asking. There are also reflections on past experiences or our current state from the vantage point of a changed lens, that is,  from the view of someone who has come alive around his own center.

Throughout the process I was often asked were, “Who are you?” and “What do you really want?”  I think the latter question was meant to be somewhat existential. However, one evening it did result in a rather spontaneous decision to have a large and meaningful tattoo I had thought about getting for years inked onto my shoulder blade.  It also led to the formation of this website, another idea that had percolated since a time when it was still cool to create blogs!

I don’t believe there is a right way to do spiritual growth and I am no expert. I’ve done my best to remain teachable and open to alternative paths. I’ve read a ton: Gangaji, Papaji, Ramana Maharshi, Adyashanti, Nisargadatta Maharaj, Amoda Maa, Gabor Maté. I’ve taken the decision to share my vulnerability among a group of others who explore somatic inquiry and presence.  I’ve sought to work with teachers versed in Ido Portal’s movement discipline.

After a lifetime of contraction, I have been freed and am able to ask what is possible without restriction or condition. I physically feel and am able to embody more of what is here and has always been. I no longer view the spiritual as something that is happening (or is to happen) to me, but as myself coming alive.  There is a loveliness to it, but there is no reward. There has been some significant loneliness, and at these times I am often compelled to remind myself the unrelenting and lingering belief that this is somehow easier for other people is bullshit. 

My hope is the reader may find what I have written in these posts to be interesting and perhaps helpful on their own path.

שָׁלוֹם עֲלֵיכֶם