Self As Spiritual Pursuit
“You have been given a concept by most of the teachers that there is darkness, and that you have to spend your whole life clearing this darkness. No one speaks about light; everyone is trying to remove darkness and ignorance when it does not really exist.
First of all, look for yourself! Has anyone seen any ignorance? Sometimes when people who come to see me come closer to keeping quiet they say, "I do not understand." What is there to understand? Simply keep quiet - this is what you really are. How can there be any doubt? In keeping quiet you discover what you really are.
Through spiritual practices you overlook the one who is causing this to happen. Who is involving your limbs in the practice, your intellect in the practice? Who is causing your mind to be involved in trying to get understanding? If the one causing activity is not there you cannot conduct any practice. This is why I tell you to simply keep quiet. Then you will know what you truly are and what you have always been, and this is indestructible. All else will be destroyed, only Existence itself remains. The Truth will always remain - it Is - it is eternal. That which is not this truth does not exist at all.
You have two choices: Either you follow most teachers and spend your life trying to remove or clean out the mind. First you will have to find out if the mind exists. No one has seen the mind. Even if you found it, how do you propose to clean it? Everyone is practicing cleaning the mind but there is no one so far who has cleaned it. Where is this mind to be cleaned?
The second choice is to keep quiet and you will know who really you are. This is very simple. It is not going to take you time; in fact time does not appear. There is nothing outside that can help you, you have just to keep quiet - that's all - and you will know then you are eternal. You are Eternal Existence itself.” H.W.L. Poonja (Papaji)
Perhaps his teacher’s approach is somewhat aligned with Papaji’s thought process. His teacher advocates self-inquiry as the preeminent factor toward living a spiritual existence. Yes, his teacher might suggest, “I have tried this,” or, “Perhaps you might think of it this way.” His teacher asks, “Is that absolutely necessary?” (See “Patterns” entry of June 21, 2019) or “Are you certain that is true?” His teacher encourages openness to explore and embody spiritual practices. His teacher often sees that which he is slow to recognize himself. Yet, there is a complete absence of dogma. The objective appears simply to bring him closer to himself as opposed to practising rituals which are aimed at helping him become something qualitatively other.
In large part, he knows who he is. He has always thought of himself as a somewhat introspective and contemplative person. He understands how his experiences have shaped him. For so long they defined him, informing his world view and how he brought himself to others. Dutiful son, to two exceptionally loving and physically demonstrative, albeit somewhat flawed, human beings. Recovering addict, abandoning alcohol and recreational drugs rather early in life after an exhaustive and heroic odyssey aimed at exploring better living through chemistry and perfecting the ideal of a misspent youth. Parent, to two incredibly beautiful and complex human beings who help him recognize his capacity to love, deeply and selflessly. Victim, cowered in the judgment of an emotionally, psychologically and spiritually abusive narcissist who for decades kept him from his family and friends, and ultimately from himself. Survivor, escaping from his office across from the World Trade Center on a gorgeous September day, when planes fell from the sky and slammed into buildings.
Yet, over the course of the last year, the orientation from which he draws conclusions and learnings from his life experiences has shifted. Stories as “definition” seem to be falling away and he is positioned to experience life from a more articulated place. His spiritually-minded friends involved in similar transitions refer to this as being “self-centered,” that is, approaching the world from a place of self. A shift toward bringing forth oneself to the world as opposed to absorbing, reacting, manipulating in response to what the world brings to him. However, to him the phrase “self-centered” still conjures up all sorts of pejorative connotations (e.g. self-absorbed), so he prefers to think of this newfound orientation as “centered from self.”
At yet at times, he is still afraid. This still all feels like unchartered terrain. When the stories are gone, what if there is nothing remaining but emptiness? What if the ex was right, he is a selfish-prig with a limited capacity to love? What if he never finds other human beings who give a shit about living and loving with connection and meaning?
But these thoughts are fleeting and he recognizes them as unnecessary. He is able to hold them, even honor them, and still contemplate a completely separate path of enquiry free of such distractions. What else is here? What interests me? Where can I bring love? What do I want? How do I want to spend my time? Is what I have experienced something that can help others?
He considers himself rather fortunate to have found a teacher who shows him the futility of constant seeking and who has suggested the notion of a “fix” without truly understanding what is already here is pure fallacy. He embraces this unfolding at its own pace and begins to trust himself for he recognizes the shifting that has taken place over the last year is profoundly different than decades of therapy, twelve-step programming, psychiatric / pharmaceutical intervention. He has internalized the idea that movement toward a spiritual existence is not an exercise of the mind nor a destination to get to. He understands the inherent emptiness in external validation. He understands the simple joy in asking, "What is possible?" without restriction and condition.
He has begun to meet himself, and it’s quite lovely.
